Dale Carnegie, author of ‘How to Stop
Worrying and Start Living,’ advocates the
avoidance of the 3 C’s – Criticizing,
Condemning, and Complaining.
Have you noticed how people complain to
those around them about someone else, rather
than going directly back to the source of
the problem? According to university
research, this is called ‘triangulation.’
And, it’s the second biggest reason for
relationship failures, (after avoidance of
communication,) both on the job and in our
personal lives.
What holds us back from going to the source
of our problem rather than complaining to
our peers? It’s fear. of
confrontation. It’s anger. Anger
caused by misconceptions. And anger caused
by jumping to conclusions. So we seek solace
and compassion from others.
But in complaining to others several
negative things happen. First and foremost
is that the situation is never cleared up
using that misguided method of problem
solving. In fact, the problem escalates.
Usually the person we complain about hears
it second hand, and feels betrayed. That
sets up an even more negative spiral than
existed before. Often the source of the
complaint is a misunderstanding in the first
place and could easily be solved with
one-on-one communication. By going directly
to the supposedly offending person, we could
say, “Joe, did you really mean that I wasn’t
doing a good job when you said what you said
at the meeting this morning?” Joe is likely
to say, “No, not at all. I meant something
entirely different. I really appreciate your
work.”
Now, here’s a challenge for you. I’d like
you to look at this from a new perspective.
WHAT CAN YOU DO next time this happens in
your environment? Why not THINK OF YOURSELF
AS A LEADER and role model in showing better
ways for the world to operate? People are
actually looking for effective ways to
problem solve, but don’t always know how.
They continue to do what their parents did,
or what they’ve been exposed to. Thus,
dysfunctional relationships go down from
generation to generation, from work place to
work place, from country to country. YOU –
YES YOU - CAN DO MUCH TO IMPACT THE WORLD
AROUND YOU! Why not suggest a direct
approach, and support them in their new
behavior? From small acorns, do large oak
trees grow.
3-Second Focus Tip
– The next time you encounter
‘triangulation’ – people complaining to you
about another person, suggest that they go
directly to the person in question and ask
for clarification. Explain that there may be
a miscommunication, and if the shoe was on
the other foot, surely your friend would
rather have it clarified directly, than have
it spread around and not have a chance to
clarify himself or herself. By doing this,
you’ll be bringing the world back to a
positive vibration, AND you’ll be
reinforcing a good behavior for yourself the
next time you’re tempted to complain rather
than resolve! Try this and let us know YOUR
results
